Billy Connolly’s Desiderata

Heiniger-Net Posted on Friday January 8th, 2021 by DanielFriday January 8th, 2021

• Tread gen­tly on any­one who looks at you sideways.
• Have lots of long lie-ins.
• Wear stur­dy socks, learn to grow out of medi­um under­wear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the oth­er direc­tion: tell peo­ple you’re nine­ty-sev­en and they’ll think you look f****** great.
• Try to catch a trout and expe­ri­ence the glo­ri­ous feel­ing of let­ting it go and see­ing it swim­ming away.
• Nev­er eat food that comes in a bucket.
• If you don’t know how to med­i­tate at least try to spend some time every day just sit­ting. Boo jog­gers. Don’t work out, work in.
• Play the banjo.
  
• Sleep with some­body you like.
• Eat plen­ty of Liquorice Allsorts.
• Try to live in a place you like.
• Mar­ry some­body you like.
• Try to do a job you like.
• Nev­er turn down an oppor­tu­ni­ty to shout, ‘F*** them all!’ at the top of your voice.
• Avoid big­ots of all descriptions.
• Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old … look for­ward to it.
• Don’t wear tight under­wear on aeroplanes.
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
• Clean your teeth and keep the com­pa­ny of peo­ple who will tell you when there’s spinach on them.
• Avoid peo­ple who say they know the answer and keep the com­pa­ny of peo­ple who are try­ing to under­stand the question.
• Don’t pat ani­mals with sneaky eyes.
• If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
• Learn to feel sor­ry for music because, although it is the inter­na­tion­al lan­guage, it has no swearwords.
• If you write a book, be sure it has exact­ly sev­en­ty-six ‘fuck’s in it.
• Avoid giv­ing LSD to guide dogs.
• Don’t be talked into wear­ing a uni­form and salute nobody.
• Nev­er run with scis­sors or oth­er pointy objects.
• Cam­paign against blue Smarties.
• Above all, go to Glas­gow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea cours­ing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: ‘It’s good to be alive!’. ”

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