1. If you eat some­thing and nobody sees it, it has no calories. 
2. If you drink a Diet Lemon­ade and with it you eat a choco­late bar, the calo­ries in the choco­late will be elim­i­nat­ed by Diet Lemonade. 
3. If you eat togeth­er with oth­ers, only those calo­ries that you eat more than the oth­ers count. 
4. Food that is tak­en for med­ical pur­pos­es (hot choco­late, red wine, cognac) NEVER counts. 
5. Feed your friends. The slim­mer you look yourself. 
6. Food which is con­sumed as a part of enter­tain­ment (pop­corn, peanuts, lemon­ade, choco­late, sweets), for exam­ple when watch­ing videos or lis­ten­ing to music, does not con­tain calo­ries because it is not con­sumed as food but as part of the entertainment. 
7. Cook­ies and cakes do not con­tain calo­ries if they are bro­ken into small pieces and eat­en piece by piece. The fat vapor­izes when the cook­ies are bro­ken up. 
8. Every­thing that is licked from knives, pots or spoons dur­ing food prepa­ra­tion does not con­tain calo­ries because it is part of the food preparation. 
9. Food of the same col­or (e.g. toma­toes and straw­ber­ry jam, mush­rooms and white choco­late) has the same con­tent of calories. 
10. Frozen food does not con­tain calo­ries because calo­ries are a mea­sure of heat. 

Definition:

Calo­ries are small ani­mals liv­ing in the wardrobe and sewing your clothes tighter at night.

(Found on talkaboutusa.com)