- Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
- Have lots of long lie-ins.
- Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you’re ninety-seven and they’ll think you look f****** great.
- Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
- Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
- If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don’t work out, work in.
- Play the banjo.
- Sleep with somebody you like.
- Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.
- Try to live in a place you like.
- Marry somebody you like.
- Try to do a job you like.
- Never turn down an opportunity to shout, ‘F*** them all!’ at the top of your voice.
- Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
- Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old … look forward to it.
- Don’t wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
- Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach on them.
- Avoid people who say they know the answer and keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
- Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes.
- If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
- Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords.
- If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six ‘fuck’s in it.
- Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
- Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform and salute nobody.
- Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
- Campaign against blue Smarties.
- Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: ‘It’s good to be alive!’. ”
