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Heiniger-Net→Wetellyou→Beziehungsratschläge→Is Mikal the one?

Is Mikal the one?

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Inshi­rah hat am 3/7/2002 gefragt:
Is Mikal the one?

Daniel_heiniger hat am 3/7/2002 geantwortet
Absolute­ly! No doubt!

Inshi­rah hat am 5/7/2002 gefragt:
I like your answer, but what are bas­ing that answer on?

Daniel_heiniger hat am 6/7/2002 geantwortet
I don’t know if I real­ly want to go into this. My first reac­tion to your ques­tion is that this must be a joke, and whence my answer — its a joke too. What am I sup­posed to base an answer on? You don’t give me any­thing to work with. I am not a magician.

If you have a real ques­tion that you want a real answer to, then tell me more about your­self, about Mikal and about the sit­u­a­tion between the two of you. I can only work with infor­ma­tion you give me. But I *can* give you some good advice on rela­tion­ship issues based on my psy­cho­log­i­cal expe­ri­ence, com­mon sense and the life I went through myself.


Greetings

— Daniel

Inshi­rah hat am 6/7/2002 gefragt:
You are fun­ny. Well, we met online about 5 months ago. He was sep­a­rat­ed at the time. We hit it off imme­di­ate­ly. We start­ed com­mu­ni­cat­ing every­day. We talked via email and phone. We even talked mar­riage. Recent­ly, his wife showed up and want­ed a rec­on­cil­i­a­tion. He has 4 chil­dren by her. The old­est 18, the youngest 6. Any­way, out of a sense of loy­al­ty, he returned to the sit­u­a­tion. He says he does not love his wife. She says now she is ready to be the kind of wife he wants and needs. She was also obese and said now she is ready to lose weight and take care of her­self so that she can be a good wife. I haven’t heard from him since that time. That was a month ago. Is she real­ly mak­ing him hap­py or will he return to me? My birth­date 10–11-47. His is 8–22-61.

Daniel_heiniger hat am 9/7/2002 geantwortet
Okay, I’ll take back my orig­i­nal state­ment and turn around to say: “absolute­ly not!”.

“old habits die hard”, as the say­ing goes, and, in this con­text, this means that it is much hard­er to break exist­ing rela­tion­ships than cre­ate new ones. Even if it may seem oth­er­wise. It is eas­i­er to stay in a rela­tion­ship for a num­ber of rea­sons: these two peo­ple know each oth­er well, they know each oth­ers faults and virtues, they know what to expect and what not. they trust each oth­er. They have chil­dren together.


For you, of course, this is a very dif­fi­cult sit­u­a­tion. Actu­al­ly, you can’t do much but wait and see. You don’t real­ly have a moral right to him as could be said in oth­er cir­cum­stances. It is rather his chil­dren that have a right to him. And I guess he feels that as a responsibility.


Whether she makes him hap­py or not is besides the point: He may have decid­ed that his duties in that rela­tion­ship haven’t been ful­filled yet. And then, hap­pi­ness is noth­ing that one per­son “gives” anoth­er. It is more a state of mind. There­fore a per­son­al decision.


Now you may feel used. And prob­a­bly you are. But don’t take it per­son­al. Wait a lit­tle and then ask him for what his deci­sion is and whether he knows what he is doing. If he says, he does, then that is the end of this sto­ry. If not, ask him to be straight with him­self and you and to make up his mind. Give him time or, if you can’t wait, leave it right there. Your life isn’t over yet and there are oth­er men in this world.


Hope this helps, even if it hurts

— Daniel

Link to orig­i­nal post at wetellyou.ch

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